A Stoic Reflection on Handling Rivalry

This is not an apology letter. This is a note to myself, a reminder to do differently. In the act of writing, I hope to cultivate toward virtue, the goal of a Stoic who wishes for the good life. It is a privilege to be blessed with the time and the space to reflect and commit to oneself to do so.

To point: one of the things I regret most in the late stages of my early career is how I handled a rival as a younger professional.

At the time, I did not see myself as this person’s rival. Indeed, this lack of insight to the interpersonal dynamic could summarise my graduate naivety.

I did not understand jealousy - it has always been a word without face in my heart. I am a stranger to feeling powerless at work. I don’t have great empathy for those who choose comfort over growth. Even now in the course of perspective-taking, it costs conscious effort for me to adopt fear-based patterns of thinking.

But to say that I was ignorant is not good enough. In hindsight, I came to understand the impact my words and behaviours had on others; and just as importantly - on my personal cultivation of virtue.

I have an unexpected obstacle at the moment, to do so again.

It’s not the same person, not at the same company, and I'm far older, but the situation is congruent. The thought struck me only after weeks of thinking about how to deal with what seemed like a new conundrum. This insight has been transformative in it's framing. The parallels shape my thinking. Hindsight grants me foresight. Its lessons guide my actions.

Yesterday, I regret having not thought before I spoke, not pausing before I acted. It is a fact of human endeavour that in striving for betterment we contest vigorously with others in both means and ends, and I do not regret that. I understand the perspective of wu wei (無爲) - the cultivation of inaction - to refrain from deed that would hurt ego and pride. It is not in the doing that I regret, but its human cost.

I regret causing pain.

I regret making someone feel small, or hurt, our unacknowledged in the course of work.

The other, smaller regret I have is for myself. I regret making myself less. In attempting to 'hold back' I diminish my own light and abilities and background and vigour and intent. These self-diminishing efforts are never noticed by a rivals, who feel the hurt irrationally, emotionally, irrespective of the size of the comparison. To deny my light would be to deny truth. That is not a path to virtue and not a proper way forward.

So, armed with these two insights, I will endeavour to act differently.

I will start with openness. I will start with questions seeking to understand. I will be courageous to speak about my intent and courageous in asking someone about their negative feelings toward me. I will accept their pain, recognise it, empathise with it, and endeavour to be, speak and do better.

I will not hide my achievements, my victories, my capability to excel and exceed my rival. I will not act as if my efforts are small or insignificant for fear of making them put out.

In the balance of these two, I hope to grow the truths of both subjective and objective reality. In attempting this with hope toward success and effort toward goodwill, I will sleep better at night knowing that I am working authentically toward my professional purpose - to make work more human.

I don't expect it will be easy.

I’ll let you know how I go with that.